My mom had minor surgery this week. I spent the last 4 days staying with her and helping. I didn't think about myself really at all. I didn't feel sorry for myself, or angry about MS. I didn't give in to the nap monster even when I really would have loved to. I cooked, I cleaned, I ran errands. It was lovely. I know, most people would probably bitch about those kind of days but I'm elated that I felt useful again for once.
Don't get me wrong. I'm pooped. I'm absolutely done now. I have officially passed the buck onto other family members and found my way home but I feel great!
When you are in position where someone else absolutely needs you it seems that your body is almost capable of forgetting it's not feeling that hot for just a little while. It let's you do what has to be done. When I'm home, I can decide to leave the dishes for a while, or skip making the bed today. I can choose to lie down for an hour (provided the kids are at school/camp/work etc;). I can let myself be exhausted.
Well enough of that garbage. I have just proven to myself that I can still do it. I can keep going provided I remember to give in when it becomes absolutely necessary. I refuse to accept that I'm just 'sick' now and throw in the towel, because, quite frankly, I don't have to.
From now on I'm going to try a lot harder to be who I used to be, starting with being a full fledged mom. I will find my way back. I know that when my next ugly relapse strikes my body will not agree with my plan and I can accept that. In between though, it's time to start living.